For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with body image. I’ve always had a hard time not comparing my body to other women, or judging myself based on my perception of how I look. when I was 15, I started running with my mom and sister and it was amazing! I fell in love with it quickly and we spent many hours on the road and trail sharing chatty miles and genuinely enjoying the run. Fast-forward when I went to college I began noticing my fellow students, and more than anything, their bodies. I noticed that the women on the Cross Country and Track Teams all looked relatively the same and they were much smaller than me all around. Up to this point I had enjoyed running some races and had accepted that I wasn’t going to win, but that I enjoyed the feeling of pushing myself. When I saw those collegiate athletes something in my head clicked (in a negative way) and made me think I needed to change my body. To make matters worse, I was often asked if I was on the swim team or if I played rugby, all just adding to the thoughts in my head “you don’t look like a runner” “you don’t have a runner’s body.” I spent many years throughout college and beyond constantly watching what I ate, running more and harder than I should and generally seeing little improvement.
I attended grad school at the University of Kentucky in Lexington. To help with the stress of school I ran a lot. I signed up for all the local races that I could– from 5k to marathon– and ran them all. I definitely burnt myself out but thought I just needed to run more and harder and eat less. After grad school, life circumstances meant I found myself in Ohio and I started working at a local running shop. It was there that I learned about ultrarunning. I learned that people ran on the trails for 50K to 100, or now 200+ miles and that it was more of an eating contest than a running race. I signed up for my first 50 miler that year but unfortunately got injured and had to take 6 months off. The next February was a 50K in Kentucky and I signed up. That race was a quest. I made all the rookie mistakes: went out too fast, didn’t eat or drink enough, and didn’t apply nearly enough lube. Despite all these things, I fell in love. Over the next few years I dove deep into ultrarunning. I sacrificed a lot personally for it. I spent hours alone training through all manners of weather.
One of the things I sacrificed was rock climbing. I’d learned to climb at a gym in Ohio, it was a nice activity to do during the long, wet, gray winters. But, as I got more into ultra running I was told by more than one coach that climbing would make me bulky and ruin my running. They told me the only way I’d get better was by running more and climbing less. I was so focused on being competitive in the world of ultrarunning that I gave it up. For a few years I barely climbed, I ran. I hit 100 mile weeks and two a days. I was always thinking about the next run and every free hour was consumed by it. I had some great races and some epic blowups. There was blood, sweat and tears galore but, as I reflect back I realize there was never true happiness.
In 2019, my job relocated me to Colorado and it was hard not to re-enter the climbing community. I did so with open arms. I was so inspired just looking at the Flatirons, Clear Creek Canyon, and Eldo, not to mention Rocky Mountain National Park. I was still running alot but I cautiously began climbing. I say cautiously because I was still nervous about getting bulky. The more time I spent climbing, the more I realized I fit into the community. One of the main things I noticed was the diversity of bodies. Before I dive into this I just want to acknowledge two things: 1) I am not saying that one should judge others based on bodies, I am just sharing how seeing people that looked more like me helped me, and 2) I am not saying that there aren’t body image issues in climbing, there are. This is just a recount of my personal journey and what I observed.
I hope that sharing my story and how my relationship with my body has changed can help and inspire others.
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